Doug Funnie's Journal

This journal offers what I not only said in the shows, but those who follow my journal online will get a chance to see everything I wrote out, and my all of my deepest secrets!

I Throw A Party

When I thought about throwing my first party, party I knew exactly how I wanted it to go. The hottest place in Bluffington!!! I was so excited, this was going to be the coolest hippest… Oh no… My dad is dressed as a clown, and my mom is throwing confetti… =/

My parents were SOOO embarrassing. My dad was singing The Cheese Stands Alone, and my mother was trying to get people to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey. I went to Skeeter. Skeeter, this party is awful and going down in flames. He suggested that he could put on the new Beets album he just got. I told him I was glad Patti couldn’t make it. Just then the doorbell rang. It was Patti and Connie… “I thought you had practice?!” “Turns out it was canceled! Isn’t that great?! I didn’t want to miss your first party!” Patti said. I offered them some hats, when Connie grabbed the hat on her head and walked away into the living room. Turns out she had just got a new haircut that she didn’t like, and she didn’t even want to come in the first place.

Skeeter decided to change the subject and put on the album. All of a sudden a kid song came on. “What was that Skeeter?!” “I don’t know man, I guess my kid brother was messing with my stuff again!” Roger and his gang then approached me. He told me that he had a game that could change this whole party around called “Truth or Dare.” I announced and asked who wanted to play. It wasn’t for kiddies as Roger said, and I just wanted my party to be cool.

Those who wanted to play came down to the basement, and Roger explained the rules. We also drew straws to see who would go first. Willie (from Roger’s gang) picked the shortest straw and he went first.

Willie asked Larry, and Larry picked truth. Willie decided began to ask him if he watched a film strip in the AV room without permission, when Roger interfered and said the game was no fun if we played it like a bunch of preschoolers. Roger whispered in Willies ear… Willie then asked Larry, who he had a crush on. Larry was sweating and mumbling. Finally he said he kind of had a crush on Bebe. Bebe screamed, and then Larry fainted. Roger threw some punch on him to wake him up.

Larry got to choose next. He chose Skeeter. Skeeter chose dare. He was dared to stand on his head in front of everyone… in his underwear… After he did that. He asked Patti truth or dare… Uh oh!!!

Patti chose dare. She was dared to kiss Porkchop. PHEW! Patti then chose Roger. He chose dare. She dared him to say something nice. Something nice about me. It was hard for him to come out and say it but he said that he guessed I was a really nice guy. But now I was gonna get it in spades according to him… He chose me… “Funnie! Truth or dare?”

Truth? Dare? Um… “Ok” I told Roger, “DARE!” He dared me to go upstairs and pull off Connie’s hat so that everyone could see her haircut. I went to Connie… I didn’t. I couldn’t. I’m not going to do it. Patti said that was the most grownup thing anybody’s done all night. Then she said it was sweet not to do it, and kissed me on the cheek.

Connie came up and asked sweet not to do what? “Not to do this!” Roger said as he pulled off her hat. Connie screamed, and Roger cackled hard. Connie grabbed the hat, and punched Roger really hard in the stomach. He walked outside to get some fresh air after being hit.

After that, things loosened up and everybody started to have a good time. Maybe it wasn’t the most sophisticated party in the history of Bluffington, but it sure was fun. I guess I just don’t find it cool to make fun of people. And to tell the TRUTH I don’t think Roger will DARE play that game for a while!

Doug, Season 1

Does Skeeter really know how I feel though?

(Source: pashmere)

I Didn’t Do it

Dear Journal,

I was as good as dead. Somebody planted Mr. Bone’s yodeling trophy in my locker! Roger told me that he pities the fool who got caught with Mr. Bone’s trophy. He said that whoever he caught with it would be locked up in detention and then he would throw the key away! “I was framed… I mean whoever did this was framed!” I told Roger. “Doesn’t matter Funnie, possession is nine tenths of the law.” Roger was right, I was in big trouble. All of the evidence was pointing right at me!

I was in class thinking of what the worst can be when Mr. Bone gets on the loud speaker. We had to report to our lockers for a surprise inspection! We were all at our lockers when Mr. Bone was at the other end of the hall. I opened up and showed Skeeter that it was in my locker. “Wow cool man! I’ve never known a criminal before!” He said. I told him that I didn’t do it, someone planted it in my locker. I took the trophy out, Skeeter and I tossed it back and forth,until finally I put it in my shirt on the backside. Mr. Bone came over and said he smelt some funny business. I told him he must be smelling someone else. Then he noticed the lumps coming out of my shirt. “What’s that hump on your back?” he asked me. “What hump?” Then he screamed that Skeeter and I were playing a game of monkey in the middle and how he didn’t like being the hairy ape. The bell rang and students scattered and we were able to get out of there. Phew! That was a close one!

I went to my sister Judy for help. I just didn’t know what to do with it! She got all dramatic - told me to weep, beg for mercy, and talk about my “wife and 6 kids who didn’t have a trophy”… No, Skeeter told me the guy 2 years ago who stole the trophy tried begging for mercy, and he’s still doing time in detention. She suggested I plea insanity. No, Chunky Boulmont tried doing that last year and now he has to see the guidance councilor every day. This is going to be tough. I wondered if anyone tried telling the truth. “That’s it!” Judy said. “Try telling the truth! It just might be crazy enough to work!” Tell the truth? Yea!

I decided to keep the trophy in my locker for safe keeping. I told Skeeter that I was going to give the trophy back after class. I was carrying the trophy towards Mr. Bone’s office. Why was I doing this? I was framed, but he’ll never believe me! Skeeter and I took it into the bathroom to flush it. It was just too big to flush. I ran back to his office. Phew! Nobody there! I left the trophy right on top of his file cabinet and took off. I then saw Mr. Bone open my locker, and then stomp off because he didn’t find the trophy. Then I saw Roger shocked and started searching my locker and heard him say that I wouldn’t get away with it if it was the last thing he did. Roger! Roger framed me!

I was sitting in class when Mr. Bone walked in. He wanted to talk to me. The trophy was sitting outside his office, but it was sitting in my lunch bag. How did he know it was my lunch bag? I left the trophy in a bag with my name on it! How stupid of me! Roger was laughing and sarcastically asked if anyone played a trick on me. Yeah, nice trick Roger. He told me I couldn’t prove a thing, that the trophy was in my locker.

I followed him to his office where he handed me a bucket load of different cloths and said he had a lot of yodeling trophies that needed to be polished. He left his office to go get the “jumbo size” polish. That’s when Roger came in. “Just a warning Doug, you tattle on me and…” I told him I wouldn’t tell on him. Who’s gonna believe me anyway? Possession is 9/10’s of the law. Roger sat on the desk where his shoe turned on the intercom. “Roger… I wouldn’t do that if I were…” I tried to tell him, “Shut up Funnie!” he said. He said that he knew what he was doing and that he was the smart one. Then while the intercom was playing in every room of the school Roger continued to talk. He said that he was smart enough to sneak into “Mr. Bonehead’s” office and steal his trophy. Then he continued the story about after he stole it he “stuck the goofy looking thing in my locker.” Well Mr. Bone and everyone in the whole school heard Roger’s confession and he was caught.

I was totally relieved when Mr. Bone found out that I didn’t do it. I guess the only thing worse than being the butt of a practical joke is being the butt… is being the person who actually did it. I wonder how Roger’s doing anyway?

Of a Kind: In Character: Patti Mayonnaise




Patti Mayonnaise is the ultimate girl next door—Doug Funnie would back me up on that. She’s adorable but accessible, tomboyish but sweet. She has good hair. It’s safe to say that Skeeter and all the rest of the 11 ½-year-old boys in Bluffington prolly had a thing for her, too. —erica